14th
I want to talk about Neil, the Leeds Furniture Elf. I see him in ads all over town, and it’s been weighing on my mind lately.
I think Neil is being held captive. What I can’t decide is whether it’s against his will or if he’s an enthusiastic participant trying to recruit others. (First off—- he’s an elf, right? Not a person?) When you have an ambiguous, lipstick-wearing cartoon elf grinning dementedly under a caption that reads “Discount Queens” ….it raises questions. Human trafficking!!!!
I think Neil occasionally escapes from his twin-sized dungeon (you didn’t think they’d give him a Cal-King, did you?) at night and pastes his own cries for help (“I Won’t Be Beat!” is obviously short for “Please, dear God, don’t beat me anymore”) over the real ads until the Leeds people catch him. Then they beat him and beat him and beat him. This either makes him very sad or very happy; it’s hard to tell.
The latest ads feature a cow, but with no context whatsoever. No “Mooooove down to Leeds for the best deals on Miralux mattresses!” Just Neil telling the cow he won’t be beat. Hmm, maybe it’s a clue about his location! The plot thickens!!! On second thought—Neil looks kind of angry. The cow must be in on it! Terrible! I thought cows only granted wishes!
The poor elf’s probably holed up at some freak farm in Fontana or Norco, waiting for someone to rescue/join him!!!
I’ll be having “Cruelty To Neil” awareness ribbons made in the meantime….just in case. They’re hot pink, to match his precious lips, and they’ll be inscribed with the words “Tough Love”. Please join me and be the keepers of the flame.
